Stream of Conscience

complacency

I visit that space from time to time

the space that held you near

and captivated your dormant sense of affection

with a complacent smile

and a gentle caress

along the vicissitudes of your fragile being

but now sits

suspended

in absence and darkness

drowned in distance

edged deep inside the heart

like thorns upon a throne

the dull sense of longing

the sudden thrust of deception

suffocated

by the

warm hands of a lover

the ease of a complacent smile

I cant stand to look at you again

the serpent in your heart strikes at me with rabid dejection

unveiled by the angry stones you cast into the ocean of your madness

I cant be near you

as you empty the well of our affection

and poison the memory of genuine love

every day cant be the fucken 4th of july

and fireworks don’t always fly

sometimes

a warm embrace under the cool darkness of dusk

a simple touch upon the face of loss

is enough passion for the heart to get by

NPR 3 min Fiction entry

  Daniel’s eyes widened with surprise as I walked in through the doorway of the hospital room.

“Well look who’s decided to visit his little bro..! Come here man, give me a hug..!”

He leaned over from his hospital bed and threw his arms around my body. I was surprised by the strength of his squeeze. His back was wider. His arms seemed massive. He was no longer a boy.

“I thought you weren’t able to come until next week..? Mom said you were backed up with the move?”

“Yeah, well, I was able to get away earlier, besides, I need to be here..”

He gave me a glance of approval, but then a serious expression overtook his face.

“Have you seen dad yet..?

“Yea, this morning when I got in. He’s doing better..”

Speaking softly while glancing over to the red and white metallic wheelchair parked in a distant corner of the room.

“Man, he really scared us this time. I really thought we were going to lose him..!”

“I know..” I said as I softly padded his fore arm with my hand..”

“How about you, How are you feeling man..”?

The question seemed to insight uneasiness, he responded slightly annoyed..”

I’m fine! They thought there might be a blood clot in my leg, but its no big deal, really…”

“I know it’s a pain, but you have to be cautious..”

I could see he was still perturbed with my statement, but regardless, gave a gesture of agreement.”

When I first learned that a roadside bomb had hit his unit, I feared the worst. At that point I had stopped listening to the news altogether. Suddenly, reports of casualties from Afghanistan were transformed from a fleeting momentary concern to a lingering horrific reality. I could see my brother’s face in every number that was reported. Every day was a testament to the fact that I may never see his face again.

He looks at me with a sly expression:

“Are you really making the move permanent.? Leaving your cozy New York apartment and moving back to Cincinnati Ohio..!?

 I replied with a smile.

“Yep, that’s right. Moving back to Cincy..”

“Ya sure you want to do that..”

I could tell he was teasing, but there was a genuine gesture of concern in his question.

“Look Danny, Mom and Dad have done so much for us, I can’t selfishly turn my back on them now. I see the sacrifices they made, and I see the sacrifice you made. Its my turn, its time to move back to Cincy.”

He diffused the momentary tension by exclaiming in a playful tone of voice:

“Well, I’m happy you’re back bro! Really happy you’re back home. It’s going to be a blast. Just like ol times!

I held back a momentary surge of tears, a sudden push upon my chest, a dam on the verge of collapsing.

He continued speaking in his enthusiastic tone:

“I’ve been hangin with the boys. They can’t wait to see you, man! We’ve been hitting the park in the afternoons. I’ve been working on my 3 pointer, gonna get it all back.

I forced a slight smile as he continued to speak:

“I got this new chair, this Ergonomic thing, super light weight, U guys gonna have to start calling me BIG WHEELS, cause I’m gonna truck y’all down.!”

He roared in sudden laughter.

I turned around and looked out the window. My vision had become blurred. I started to cry. I forced out a reply with what little breath I had left:

“That’s right Danny, Just like ol times…”

fragile hands of a lover

You

illustrious and complete

with your heart of stone

and your soul of glass

pivoting effortlessly

between the empty corridors

and abandoned walkways

of your intended dreams and projected desires

and seek to find

the narrow door of reason

where an empty room

may be filled with the collected residue

of tainted fear and lost conviction

a lamb to the slaughter

a tear to the rain

you find your heart of flesh

and your liquid blood expanding

dragged helplessly  away

like a whisper in a storm

but suspended in a mist of beauty

like the lingering echo

of the final breath of song

gently dying in time

like the fragile hands

of a lover

Entre el oscuro silencio de la distancia Y el profundo mar del olvido Me encuentro sofocado entre nubes de tu ausencia.

Sin discutir tu elegido camino y aceptar el peso de mis cadenas
Giro mi mirada hacia lo desconocido en el sur
Tus ojos escondidos entre largo trazos de distancias y enormes paredes de disgusto y silencios mal entendidos

Y sin esperanza ni razón siento tu presencia en mi ser
Arrastrando el recuerdo de todo lo q fui contigo

Un ancla de deseo en mi interior
Un espejo de dolor entre mis ojos
Un relámpago de amor en la distancia

Vivir en ese espacio frío de tu ausencia
En esa insípida existencia donde no existe tu voz
Donde no florece tu sonrisa
Donde no alimentan tus labios
Mi corazón hiera por ti
Mi alma añora tu presencia
Y ahorra q no estas
Te quiero mas q nunca

Excerpt: My Utopia

I stepped out into the bleak existence of the city with a caste iron stare and a beaming glow of hopelessness that arose from the flood of toxins and chemicals spread upon my brain. The heat tapping at the forehead like a viscous greeting from a friendly executioner. The steam, flowing upward slowly form the satanic bowels of the new york underworld, spitting at the eyes like venomous serpents eating at the internal flesh of reason. When it stung my nostrils, the sweat began to pour ions through my mouth, dry and tepid, a river of sand,the Sahara in one gulp. I knew that to continue, I must accept the unacceptable reality of the night to come.

The train station stretched out in long tubular tunnels of desolate enchantment, a poor man’s river of loathing. A biblical silence gathered and collected upon its empty corners and forbidden entrances. The metallic serpentine creature appeared suddenly from its lair and fiercely penetrated the hollow stretch of tunnel, pouring its rearing headlights upon the few standing around, nonchalantly anticipating its arrival like obedient slaves waiting to be guided into the sacrificial alter. Breaking the silence, the monster screeched to a stop and doors swung open releasing the cool breath of the dragon along with the murmur of a loud inaudible language pouring out of amplified madness. I stepped in to join the collected insanity. One more lamb to the slaughter, one more bulk a flesh added to the assembly line of corpses.

New York had gradually ceased being a city and at some point, had become an immense warehouse for people. A gargantuan office space with rows of file cabinets filled with drawers of huddled masses and collections of flesh that gathered like piss upon puddle water. The rows of bodies lingered before me like luminous algae festered amongst the stone of darkness. Intoxicated and debauched, each life passed me by, oblivious to the existing sting of reality, praying and holding out their inauspicious offerings to the God forgiveness and forgetting. The flushing out of sins by the toxic wave of reason embedded upon the tonic of instant mirth, the magic herb of release, or any variety of fortifying pills or powders. Each face rolling by me with a plastered smile. “Poor Bastards”, off they go into the night to be placed upon the altar of loathing and slaughtered by the collective divide.

I could feel only a distant sense of sorrow for my fellow man, but don’t dwell there too long, otherwise it begins to sting a hole in your head and in this realm of madness, the last  thing you need a soft spot upon the extremities.

Looking up at the corner, I could read in my blurred vision the a semblance of language spelling out Bleecker. I knew my head had finally arrived although it seemed my body had been there for hours. The scenery began to change as I stood there waiting. Girls strolled by with limbs exposed, garments of flowing materials in extravagant colors and patterns that invoked the sudden sting of sex and gripped me in the sudden feminine grasp of desire. Legs, arms, breasts, asses and lips paraded by. Eyes meeting suddenly, glimpses of acknowledgment and a distant hints of fornication. The white and tan skins flashed by and gleamed in the New York night like diamonds upon the dark ocean of desire.

It was hot and I was sweating. Crystals pouring down my back. The heat began to roll up towards my temples and compress my head inwards. It was getting harder to think. The current had finally began to take its toll and I began to let go and dive in to the flowing river of madness that surrounded me  like a looming tempest. Here I was, tied to the stake, and the flames were approaching. No escape now, no where to seek refuge, no trench in which to hide. I was already exhausted.  Then I heard the voice behind me and turning to look, caught the glimpse of two enormous blue eyes. “well, where have you been hiding…”

I responded suddenly, but it seemed delayed “hiding?, I’m out in the open baby, no need to hide..”  What’s your name?

she looked at me with a devilish smile while holding out two small colorful pills in her hand.

“Forget that shit now… pick a poison”…

I looked at the remainder of her face and then trailed down the impressive limbs of her body. I was suddenly overtaken by a wolf like hunger for flesh. The massive wave of desire suddenly crashed upon my internal wall of longing. A sexual tsunami erupted from within. I reached out and took a pill from her hand, gently placing it upon the tongue. The Eucharist had arrived. The night had finally begun.

A brief moment of thought

As I look up into the sky and fix my eyes upon two luminous beams of light shooting out into the cosmos behind a background of blackness, I can’t help but to be conflicted by the paradoxes of our existence and the dynamic extremes of our species. How  are we able to house so many contradictions upon one body, within one soul, as a race, as a creature of thought and emotions. How is it possible the the same animal that is capable of so much beauty, can also create so much destruction.

We are the victims of this double sided coin, this dichotomy of the human condition. The capacity for love equally measured by our capacity for hate. Floating albatrosses within two polar extremes rooted in our internal mechanisms of solitude, insecurities, and imperfections. In the end it seems to me we are not unlike spoiled and ill raised children screaming to get our way and conniving for what we feel belongs to us.

The tragedy of humanity stems from its inability accept its connections to the surrounding world and all that  it encompasses. Instead we create isolation through fear, greed and hatred. The more we feed into these perverse conditions of our humanity, the more we detract from our humanity and our evolution as a species. The farther away we grow from each other. The more we bleed the well.

On a day like today a passing thought is not sufficient. A momentary glimpse upward into the sky is not enough. We must stop and reflect deeply on this horrific reality we witnessed 8 years ago and how it is not an isolated event, but rather too often an occurrence within our species. In quiet thought and meditation, begin to search within ourselves for a better way, a different path. It is only when we realize our capacity for horror and are horrified by our capacity for hate, that we may then begin once again to evolve past our primitive limitations as a species and commence the path towards finding the genuine humanity in ourselves.

In Essence

In essence

in completion

in complete presence

I seek

in this hollow pit of life

to find

the living within the dead

the essential witin the mundane

the magnificence witin the horrow

the beautiful within the lost

For A Time

It is true

that you are right

that I am hollow

and you are stone

That I am living

and you are slumber

that I am lost

and you are present

you

you retain a secret

and i revive a lie

but there is truth

in the word “alive”

that we are flesh

and our eyes are liquid

and sorrow

and we are

if anything else

together

for a time

Ground Zero

Twisted steel adornes the shattered rock

amongst an empty pool of worn loss and tainted desire

where sadness leeks from within cracks in stone

like tears from a basin

of a million weeping hearts

where madness seeps out of hatred

here it collects

like a shrine

an idol

to our capacity for horror

a farewell to souls

that lay within the bitter ashes

of lost dreams and silenced voices

of friends and lovers

of mothers and daughters

of fathers and sons

Will I recognize you when we meet again

perhaps

on the other side?

after so much life has passed

after so much loss has deformed

my face

unrecognizable in suffering

twisted

like steel callapsed on rocks

I used to play with your hair

you used to sing me a dream

We were married

under the veil of a sweet rain

and seperated now

by the unforgiving barriers of fire

I spoke to you of loss once

you felt my face

a tender kiss

goodbye

Where have you gone my little one

so far so soon

how I will ever find

myself within

a pit of ash, stone and fire

Forgive me

for all that I did not say

for all i did not do

for all I promised

all we did not live

give me now

here

amonst the decay and stone

one last breath of reason

so that i may seek to find

some semblance of solace

from your eternal absense

a fortress

collapsed

over the earth it poured

a shower of flesh and fire

a sunrise

of gray and black

a birth

an arrival

of a new

millenium